Wednesday, August 25, 2010 | By: Tangy

Life takes over

Sometimes I feel like I am destined to be fat forever. I will do so well and then I will just impulsively do the most stupid things! I have done pretty well so far with my endeavor and maybe it is just my inner pessimist but I feel like I am not doing enough and I won't see any pounds or inches lost this Friday when I weigh and measure next. And it's only Wednesday! I don't know why I have these feelings. I have been overweight ever since I can remember and I guess I still think like a fat girl. It's a huge challenge for me to look at my body and be happy. I do realize now that I am at least on the high (or very high) range for a "normal weight" person and while that is a big step for me, all I can see is flaws. I don't think I am being too hard on myself or unrealistic. I am working harder than I've ever worked in my whole life to eat healthy and I've never pushed myself further during exercise but I know I can still do better. I want to run a marathon. I want to do 10 pullups without breaking a sweat. I want to have amazing legs and arms and abs. Can I get there on my current path?? I don't know. And the thought of what I have to do to get there can be overwhelming at times and when I get overwhelmed, I tend to shut down and make stupid, rash, impulsive decisions.

Like today. I noticed Riley wasn't her normal, cheery, happiest-girl-in-the-world usual self this afternoon. She felt really hot last night (she ends up in our bed with us at least 4 nights a week) but she was perfectly happy all morning and played at the park with her normal enthusiasm. After lunch, we were outside enjoying the perfect weather and she was unusually clingy, and then she threw up all over. Poor thing. She went down for a second nap--also very rare for her--and when I got her up at 5:30 she still wasn't feeling well. I blew off kenpo today because I had decided I'd rather take the kids out for a run tonight and enjoy the weather while building up my running endurance some more. I don't feel comfortable doing that now...sick kid + bouncy stroller= disaster! So I may end up doing kenpo after all tonight.

But back to my stupidity...I didn't plan anything for dinner because we were outside all day. And for some reason Riley being sick was also my excuse not to do any cooking. Which makes no sense. I went to the local grocery store (read: SMALLEST store you've ever seen--I've been in bigger gas stations than our grocery store) and saw the Coke in the cooler and instantly craved it and I put a 2 liter of it in my cart! I KNEW it was stupid and bad for me! And then I got some frozen pizza for dinner. I want to hang my head in shame. Being prepared seems to be my biggest weakness.

I feel like my life has been so stressful and chaotic that I haven't been able to fully focus or concentrate on anything for at least five years. I feel so unorganized and un-scheduled and it really interferes with all aspects of my life! Especially when it comes to taking care of myself. Sometimes I just want to pick the easiest way out like I did today and it's those kinds of choices that I make that really make me wonder if I'll ever be able to finally lose this weight.


JenniferLeah said...

You need to change your story~the FAT GIRL does not exist anymore and you need to discover the Tangy that is there now. This may take some time but it needs to happen.
You can sit there and pick apart every flaw (and it's easy to do) but why don't you pick out the amazing things you have changed instead??
As for the pizza and coke. Ummm, yeah. Poor choice. But it happens. You need to move on from that bad decision and make sure the next time you are "changing your story"-make a different decision. You can't dwell on it.
A very wise woman once said "If you have one flat tire, you don't go out and pop the other three right? No, you fix the one flat you have" meaning...making one bad choice does not mean you have "permission" to make poor choices the rest of the day, just make sure you FIX the rest of you decisions.

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